Those Top 30 UKIP Policies in No Particular Order

  1. Kick out The Darkies, Pakis, Romanians, French and all Johnny Foreigners.
  2. Good Old Fashioned Nuclear War with France and Scotland this coming weekend, weather permitting. If raining, in Parish Hall run by Mrs. Fettlethwaite doing the Tombola as usual.
  3. Give naughty children “The Cane” and “100 lines” in jolly good Grammar Schools with SAS ties, tuck shops and Oxford Bunter Bags obligatory. A Good Spell of National Service will do them the power of good.
  4. Destruction of EU Parliament buildings in Brussels in joint military operation with Hezbollah.
  5. Free Penny Farthing cardboard scooters for the poor to look for work on, with Vaughan Williams and Benjamin Britten played continuously in prisons managed by ALDI Gmbh.
  6. Quiff backed Brogue Hair with Edwardian cropped sideburns and leather and PVC waistcoats with those little fob chains.
  7. Compulsory use of fossil fuels for serious operations, with bitumen, lignite and PCP fuelled power stations next to baby hospitals.
  8. Ban on all wind turbines and all that namby-pamby Green/Marxist-Trotskyite stuff and nonsense.
  9. Winston Churchill and The Duke of Wellington.
  10. Ignorant, small-minded anti-intellectual isolationism (is this one right? – NF).
  11. Income tax simplification i.e. keeping more of my money and none for cripples, darkies (see 2 above) homos-wops-chinks-frogs-dykes-Johnny dagos & welfare state slackers.
  12. Independence for East Cheam and Basingstoke, with (Hooray!) New Village Flags.
  13. Pints of Good Traditional Solid British Ale, even if actually warm PISS.
  14. Victorian philanthropy, but done really cheap as well as The 3 Rs in all National Trust run public toilets (Religion, Racism and Revisionism).
  15. A 400 m tall alabaster. jewel and tungsten statue of M. Thatcher to be placed on top of Big Ben commemorating her triumphal return to Rockall Crown Territory in 2nd hand Chieftain tank.
  16. Unlimited supplies of Andrews Liver salts plus Rentons oil based Lumbago cream from the little shop on the corner run by Mr. Patel and his lovely little family.
  17. Invasion of East Kilbride using private car hire and security firms and unqualified and unwavering support for “The War on Terror” and Our Lads in Mongolia sponsored by the now sadly defunct News of the World “Gottedammerung” sport and tits section.
  18. The Abolition of Slavery but get them doing the same cleaners jobs when this namby-pamby minimum wage stuff and nonsense gets done away with.
  19. Psychotic PAKI bashing on Friday nights down the East End and round the back of The Arndale Centre. Give them a right good kicking, the bastards.
  20. Good Old Fashioned Traditional Capital Punishment for murder and puffterist filth-bummery, even though to be honest some of my best friends went to Public Schools and got badly reamed.
  21. Return to traditional home based family health care using free range corn fed privatised leeches and bone hammers for those with little cash.
  22. The Little Woman’s (my Better Half!) place to be in the home (or better still, the kitchen!) with Home Counties modelled Sharia Law for The Ladies, bless em.
  23. Old Fashioned Traditional Family Values, especially the violence, narrow-mindedness and intense misogyny (see 3 and 14 above).
  24. Creation of Jim Davison and Bernard Manning scholarship fund at Oxford University.
  25. Barbour wax jackets, corduroy underwear and driving gloves to be worn in bath.
  26. Robertson’s GOLLY on jam jars to be brought back and NO JEWS at The Golf Club.
  27. Police permitted to give misbehaving children and serial killers a “Jolly Good Old Fashioned Clip Around The Ear It Never Did Me Any Harm” (see 3 above, only worse).
  28. Britain to leave EVERYTHING, except NATO, IMF, World Bank,The League of Nations and Atlantis.
  29. The return of The British Empire, circa 1910 model, but including The Germans, they’re not so bad really are they…….
  30. The 2014 Election Slogan – “Hello Chaps! Oklahoma 1955 Calling!”

One thought on “Those Top 30 UKIP Policies in No Particular Order

  1. Pingback: Those Top 30 UKIP Policies in No Particular Order | Bilberry Publishing

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s